Hermione vs Mrs Norris
by kleines Ich-bin-Ich
Summary: Hermione, the most brilliant and patient witch in Hogwarts and hopelessely in love with Fleur Delacour, is shocked, when she witnesses Mrs. Norris doing something unspeakable to her pet. How will she react? Hermione/Fleur/Mrs. Norris in a way


**A/N:** I couldn't stop thinking about Mrs. Norris, since I let Hermione run her over in the last chapter of LE..I feel so bad...Okay, that's a lie xD After I've read Yoshiyuki Ly's newest story, I felt like writing a one-shot and while talking to my best friend, I came up with this. Featuring Mrs. Norris, of course :D To Mrs. Norris: This is my way of apologizing! Have fun :)

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**_Hermione vs. Mrs. Norris_**

„Wow, did you see that? Fleur Delacour just looked at me! She looked at me! She- " I couldn't take it any longer and smashed my fist into Ron's face, effectively stopping his high pitched squealing.

Ron slowly sunk to his feet, his eye balls rolled back in his head. "Looked…at…me." I sighed in relief and turned my nose up at my friend, who was off to la la land, dreaming about mature contents I didn't want to know about in detail.

I turned on my heel, heading back to the Gryffindor common room, leaving the knocked-out Ron behind. Harry, who had been standing next to me the whole time, without doing or saying anything, looked a few times at Ron, then at my retreating form. Finally he decided that I would be more entertaining for him, than his unconscious friend and he dashed after me.

"'Mione, wait for me!" I frowned and did as he wanted, stopping right in front of the portrait of the fat lady. "What?" I turned to look at him, scowl still in place. I could barely evade, when Harry sprinted towards me, obviously miscalculating his speed. Seconds later he crashed against the wall, causing the fat lady to appear.

"Don't you have any shame, you twit? Look what you've done! Blood! On MY painting!" It didn't look like Harry was going to apologize any time soon, judging from the puddle of blood next to his head, which was growing steadily.

Annoyed, I stared at him. First he was telling me to wait, then he takes a nap? Boys are insufferable sometimes. Okay, mostly all the time to be honest. And I'm not complaining or anything!

I cracked a smile for the fat lady, trying to soothe her anger. I was exhausted from lessons and wanted to take a bath. "Excuse me, but could you move that fat ass of yours to the side, so that I can enter and have some well deserved time alone at least? That would be so awesome from you."

The fat lady, obviously flattered from the very polite choice of my words, smiled at me and swung open. "Of course, Miss all- knowing Nerd. No problem. Have fun." Since we first had spoken to each other in my first year, we both had taken an immense liking in each other. I was admiring her breathtaking beauty and she loved to hear my intelligent comments. Such a delightful friendship, really.

Speaking of beauty, Ron had been wrong with what he had said earlier. Fleur Delacour had so not been looking at him. Because she had looked at me, her secret crush. The reason why we're not together? Simple. Until now, Fleur just hadn't realized that she loved me.

But I'm not mad at her, or at least not much. I mean, look at her, she's blonde. Her hair is the purest and most amazing blonde I ever saw before, so I had known from the start that it would take me some time to make her mine.

No worries there though. Although I may not look like the patient type, I swear that I'm the most patient person on the entire world. Just ask Ron, or Harry. Yes, I am patient…

"Stupid, blind, arrogant, snobbish, idiotic Fleur! What's so difficult about discovering your love for me! I hate you!" See? I'm the personalized patience.

To prove my point, I grabbed the nearest thing, a wonderful – and horrendous expensive ming vase- and smashed it against my window. The glass broke and dozens of dangerous, sharp and very, very painful glass pieces were falling down at full speed, accompanied by the vase, which was surprisingly not damaged.

Hmm…how long will it take until it hits the ground? And how high is the possibility, that somebody is standing right below my window, waiting to get injured by my vase? I quickly calculated in my mind and when I got the result, my shoulders slumped in defeat. Almost zero. Too bad, the vase really did deserve something better. Maybe I should have reserved it for Ron…or Professor Snape. Or…

Just then a high pitched and oh so familiar scream hit my ear drums. I leaned out of the window and smiled smugly. Yes, goal! I quickly took some pictures with my camera, zooming closer and closer, until I heard a scratching noise under my bed.

"Somebody here? You didn't see how I threw that vase out of the window, did you?" When I had spoken up, the noises had immediately stopped. I waited for five seconds. Nothing. I waited for fifteen seconds. Still nothing. I waited for thirty seconds…Remember the part about me being patient?

I drew my wand and pointed it furiously at my bed. "Wingardium Leviosa!" I had always been very good with casting spells. Okay, I know I'm being arrogant right now, sorry. I wasn't very good, I was simply brilliant. Nobody stood a chance against me and the bed was no exception.

Without daring to put up a fight – which of course would have been futile, for I am brilliant- the bed gave up and flew against the wall behind it, leaving a deep impression in the cement. Whatever, the ministry would pay, if I blackmailed them. I still had that very telling video of last Christmas, where the Minister and Umbrdige…well, you get the point.

Besides I didn't want to think about my bed, the ministry or Umbridge right now. For the first time in years, I was speechless. Like really speechless. Not like yesterday, when Ron had drooled onto my favourite erotic novel, because I had accidentally been reading aloud. There, sitting in MY room and making out with MY cat, Crookshanks, was sitting Mrs. Norris, the awful cat of the even more awful Mr. Filch.

This bitch! I never felt so disgusted before, as I stared unbelievingly at the two cats, which were also frozen in shock. Well, at least Crookshanks was. Mrs. Norris wasn't. Right when I thought that it couldn't get any worse, this pussy slut lowered her head, darting this revolting pink tongue out and…and started to lick down there!

"That's it! I'm gonna blow your head into pieces and then nail you to the next wall. You bad smelling, sluty fur ball!" I flicked my wrist and a long green light broke out of my wand and sped towards Mrs. Norris, who had been watching me the whole time, laughing her ass off inwardly.

I didn't know what happened next. Mrs. Norris decided that it was better for her to leave now and she jumped into the air, barely escaping the deadly curse, then acrobatically did a summersault and a twirl. Damn that stupid stunt cats!

I sneered at Mrs. Norris, who flipped me her middle claw. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm not only a very patient person, but also a quite composed, reasonable person. "Unforgiveable!" I flicked my wand again, my eyes narrowing to small slits. "Die already, smear ball! Then the story can continue and Fleur will notice me!"

This time a yellow light emerged from my wand. I thought it was cool that I could switch colours anytime. McGonagall had once said that it could have severe side effects, but I'm far too brilliant to listen to an old hag, who had a secret crush on Hagrid, but was too insecure to tell him.

Mrs. Norris was able to escape again, by pressing herself flat on my drawer. The spell instead hit the mirror and because the story had to go on, the mirror didn't break, like it was supposed to do, but reflected the spell, splitting it into two. One of the yellow rays hit me square in the chest, the other the surprised Mrs. Norris.

I was pulled from my feet and towards the drawer, where Mrs. Norris was laying, not moving. Yes, I got her! Then my soul was ripped out of my body and transferred right into Mrs. Norris ugly head. Great.

At first I didn't feel anything. I tried to open my eyes, but I could hardly move the muscles I needed to breathe. But I noticed that my senses got a lot sharper than they normally were. I could hear Crookshanks, trying to crawl under my bed. And I could smell something fishy on the floor…

Just thinking about THAT brought back all the previous rage, as well as my energy. My eyes flew open and I stood up on my hind legs, ready to jump Mrs. Norris in her face. But when I saw my body laying unconscious in front of me, I didn't feel like clawing at my own face anymore. I mean look at me. My beautiful brown hair, my kissable lips…I was so perfect.

I sighed and climbed off the drawer. I didn't have to search very long, before I finally spot my wand, which was buried under my body. I pulled it out, using my sharp teeth. A few sparks flew out and burnt the shirt on my body.

Excellent, my favourite shirt! How sick was this? I had murdered to get this! Okay, not really murdered. But I had beaten the crap out of this sales man, until he gave it to me as a present. I was far too brilliant to spend money on expensive clothes. And I had to keep up my bookish image after all.

And then there was this little, almost dispensable fact that cats couldn't speak. Although I was brilliant and all, I wasn't able to cast spells without actually saying them yet, so I was in a predicament now.

Whatever. It was weekend, so everybody would assume that I had locked myself up in my room, buried in my books. I had an image, after all. Now I just had to take care of bitchy Norris, or rather my body. I had a feeling that my reputation would suffer extremely in case somebody saw my body running around, down on all fours and licking the caretaker's hands.

But how was I going to hide my body? I was too weak to move it by myself and I couldn't use my wand. In the end I used my brilliant brain, which hadn't suffered from the body change at all and just locked Mrs. Norris and Crookshanks in my room. I think I broke a few teeth in Mrs. Norris set of teeth, but I didn't care. This was at least some kind of revenge for, Mrs. N.

I walked down to the common room, in search for somebody who could help me with this. After a few moments, I spot Harry and Ron, sitting at a table and playing chess. I was about to go over to them, when I felt somebody's eyes on me.

I turned and caught Neville staring at me, his jar almost touching the floor. I hissed angrily at him drawing my lips back to show off my long teeth. Neville flinched and run off, flailing his arms like he wanted to take off or something.

Suddenly Ron noticed me and his eyes widened. Excitedly, he nudged Harry in his rips, who was busy staring at the chess figures. "Harry, Harry, look! Mrs. Norris has learned to walk on her hind legs! Awesome!"

Ron jumped to his feet and started chasing me, intending to catch me. After some time of senseless running around, I clawed at his face and long, red scratches adorned his pale face. "Harry, Harry, I'm bleeding, look!" And he started to cry at Harry's shoulder, who stared unconcerned at the blood, which was staining his robe.

I turned my tail up at them and left the common room, swaying my hips seductively from one side to the other. That's what you get, boys, if you try to catch a pussy cat. But what should I do now? While I was thinking, I absent minded started to lick my paw, then my other paw. Then I started to clean my face. And that's when my nose picked up the most delicate smell ever.

"Fleur!" My muscles tensed and I jumped onto the railing, to get a better view. And really, my senses hadn't betrayed me. There, leaning against a wall, was standing the object of my desire, idly staring into nothingness.

I sped down the staircase, dodging a few first years, who tried to throw stink bombs at me and finally, I reached her. What should I do know, to get her attention? I sat down in a very un-cat like way, scratching my chin with one paw.

At the exact same moment, Fleur happened to look down and saw me. We looked eyes and just stared at each other for a short eternity. Then she squealed and bent down, picking me up in her soft arms.

She started to stroke my fur and pet my head and I closed my eyes and purred contently. Now I knew what heaven felt like. "My, my, such soft fur. So brown and messy…Reminds me of this bookish girl that always stares at me and thinks I'm too blonde to notice."

I tensed when I heard her. I was shocked beyond end and disappointed at the same time. Who the hell told her that I had a crush on her?! She stopped to caress me and I looked questioningly up at her.

"You're smelling pretty bad, kitty. Come on, let's take a bath together." Before I knew it she had apparated into her bathroom and threw me without further ado into the hot water. So, I was the most intelligent, brilliant and awesome witch in the whole world. There was only one thing that I had never learned. Swimming.

I extended my claws and sunk them into the curtains, to prevent me from drowning. In the meantime, Fleur was stripping off her clothes. When she was done she climbed into the bath tube next to me.

"Now, come here, I'm gonna scrub this dirty head of yours." I was in trance, when she pulled me over to her by my tail and started to drench my fur with cheap soap. I had a direct view of her well developed breasts, which were only inches away from my nose.

Since I was in the body of a slut cat, I didn't hesitate any longer and let my tongue dart out, flicking it a few times over her nipple. What I hadn't thought about was her reaction. She flushed and let go of my tail, and I flew head first into the water. Like a stone, I sunk deeper and deeper, until I hit the bottom of the bath tube.

I tried to dive up again and my claws accidentally hit one of Fleur's legs, who reflexively pressed her thighs together in response. So now I found myself pressed in between her delicate skin. I couldn't have been happier, of only there wasn't this tiny problem that I was out of breath.

Maybe it was because of this, or the spell just wore off, but suddenly I felt weird. It felt like I was being torn into two halves and I closed my eyes in pain. At least I was going to die in between Fleur's legs…

Then everything was just a blur. I wasn't sure how long it lasted, maybe just a split second, maybe a minute. Next thing I realized was that I was back in my normal body, laying on the ground. Confused I sat up.

Before I could control it, tears were streaming down my cheeks. "Why, why know? I was so close to tasting her down there, so damn close!" I sunk down on my bed, clutching the sheets tightly and my body shook violently.

"Just kidding!" I stood up and grinned. I was brilliant, not emotional. Beside, crying was a cheap way of solving your problems. Or was it running away? Whatever. My stomach grumbled and I remembered that I had skipped breakfast.

I made my way down to the great hall, drooling a little at the prospect of the delicious food that the house elves always prepared for her, because they thought that she was fighting for their rights, which of course was nonsense.

When I arrived at the Gryffindor table, I met Luna, who was sipping a glass of pumpkin juice. I took a seat next to her and started to randomly throw food on my plate not really caring what I chose. "Did you hear? A terrible accident happened."

My ears perked up and I stopped piling food on my plate. "Really? Did McGonagall confess?" Luna looked at me, obviously confused and shook her head. "No. But Mrs. Norris has drown. There is going to be a funeral in half an hour."

I couldn't believe it! Mrs. Norris, the rapist of Crookshanks – dead? I broke down and Luna, who thought I was actually sad, embraced me. She couldn't see my face, else she would had seen that I was laughing manically. I mean seriously. Only a complete idiot would be crying over this cat.

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"It's all my fault! I'm so sorry, Mrs. Norris! Whereever you are now, please, please forgive me!" Fleur was kneeling in front of Mrs. Norris grave, tears forming a small puddle at her feet. I just sat there, staring at her unbelievingly. I was in love with an idiot? Well…opposites attract.

While Mr. Filch was holding a long, utterly boring and cheesy speech and Fleur continued wailing in front of Mrs. Norris, I drew a book out of my pocket. 'How to make idiots fall for you within one week – volume one', I read and smiled to myself. Fleur, you're doomed.

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**Omake:**

**Author**: - smiles- Yes, finished! Let's fetch some food…- goes to kitchen-

**Fleur**: - pokes head out from under bed- Finally, she's gone! Now let's see what she wrote…hm…okay…interesting…cat porn…I see. – eyes widen- I had Mrs. Hermione in my bath tube and didn't let her lick my ?? Whyyy? – starts crying-

**Author**: - spoon in mouth- God, this cat is so annoying.

**Hermione**: - sitting next to Author- How would you feel, if somebody threw you out as a baby and you had to survive on your on.

**Author**: ….

**Fleur**: - cries even louder- Whyyyyyyy?

**Hermione**: - nerve twitches- Okay, you're right. Let's get rid of the cat already.

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If anybody wonders, what the cat in the Omake is about, I'll explain. One of my neighbours, who had moved in like two months ago, has two cats and one of them is always shouting really loud. At first we thought somebody was torturing the cat, so horrible did it sound. Later we learned, that these two cats were abandoned, when they were still kittens and my neighbours found them and took them in. And this cat has cried like this since she was little.

I tried to make this story funny and I have a feeling that I did a good job in the beginning. But somehow I think that it's not funny anymore after some time. Also, this is the longest chapter I've ever written. Over 3000 words!

Okay, that's all :) Please let me know, whether you liked this or not. Thanks :D


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